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I grew up in a very christian religous home. Surrounded by much love of my two parents,five sisters,and one brother. Things were great, however, I always had bad feelings about myself, a low self-esteem, when I knew I was "different" from most of the members of the church. I was gay. In 1980 I moved to Kansas city "to find myself". Soon I would become quite engaged within the gay community. I became a popular bartender and started working out for the first time in my life. People seemed to like me. I would find myself playing the field and dating several men at the same time. Never being dishonest. Always disclosing my unwillingness to commit. Even after the love affairs would end, we would become friends as we seemed to see something in each others personality we liked. In 1985 I lost my job at one of the bars and started down the slippy slope that would bring me to my knees(well not the ony thing that would bring me to my knees). I became a drug dealer. Never feeling I was "pushing drugs" but supplying those that wanted it. Never understanding the power of drugs though, and would feel guilty about my lifestyle, the fact that I was healthy and alive while others had AIDS and dying and yet I continued. Although I sold drugs I would not feel inhibited to send or suggest to those that were over doing it to go get help and refuse to enable them any longer. Finally in 1996 it would all come to an abrupt end when I was arrested and sentenced to a ten year sentence in Federal prison. I was devestated, but committed to taking the responsibility for myself, without blame, and do the time. It has been a very difficult time, but a rewarding one as well. I've recently been released. I do have some very committed friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin and to them I owe my life. I am now searching for my new identity. I love staying fit and have put alot of energy into my body. I am also putting energy into my spirtual side, which so long had been ignored. I now believe sprituality and homosexuality do not have to be opposing but can be reconciled to create a wonderful human being.
My Ideal Person
I'm really looking for friends, but always with the possibility of something deeper. I'm looking for someone who loves life and actually loves living. Someone who can make me laugh. I love to laugh, but I don't think I do it enough. I would like someone who believes in themselves and can help me grow and I hope I can help them grow. I love working out and keep healthy, eating right, and sometimes cheating on my diet and hope to find someone that feels the same. I love sex and am very romantic and if a deeper relationship would ever develop would hope for the same. I am HIV - but I am not afraid of others who are not. Today sex does mean responsibility, not fear. I would like find someone who finds life as adventure and is non judgemental.
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